Trump Rejects Mock Swimsuit Competition: SAD!

By Ima Mason, October 20, 2016

Donald Trump today rejected an invitation by the Gender Equality Foundation (GEF) to pose in a swimsuit for charity. Earlier this month, following disclosures of the candidate’s shaming and assault language, the GEF challenged Trump to prove his commitment to gender equality by posing in an Old Glory bikini for a photo shoot at the Trump Mar-a-Lago resort in Palm Beach.  After the first rejection, the GEF modified the offer to allow Trump to wear baggy trunks covering waist to knee.  Again, the candidate rejected the offer out of hand, calling it a publicity stunt.  Bob Piebald of the GEF emphasized the invitation’s sincerity:  “We started with a typical plan.  Mr. Trump would walk down the runway in his bikini, tastefully pose for the camera, and walk back. Then we offered one concession after another.  Replacing the bikini with trunks, replacing the walk with a simple pose, we even agreed to drop scoring altogether, even though Mr. Trump is a huge advocate of physique scoring.  After all that failed, we offered to double our charity donation to $200,000.  That buys a very tall flagpole. No go.”

“I have no desire to promote this loser organization by taking them up on their publicity stunt,” Trump sniffed while speaking to supporters in Tampa.  “You know me, I have never stooped to publicity stunts, and I’m not going to start stooping now. And I’m not going to demean the office of the presidency. I would never do that in any way. I expected something like this might come up during the nomination campaign, either from Lyin’ Ted or Little Rubio, but they knew better.  I think they knew better.  Chalk this one up to nasty, nasty Hillary. She’s behind this gender equality stuff, she’s the one saying men and women are exactly the same, she’s the one that will make sure all you men out there dress in ISIS uniforms.  You just wait.  If she wins this election, you will all be dressed like ISIS.  Sad, it’s so sad.”

The GEF was quick to issue a response:  “We received Mr. Trump’s rejections of all our proposals, but we have no details as to rationale.  It could be poor body image or poor genitalia image.  It could be a more consequential psychological condition like gymnophobia, although that seems unlikely for a man so taken with ‘locker room banter.’  In all honesty, given his admiration for a certain skin-flashy leader, we did think Mr. Trump might relish the chance to strip down for the camera. Now we know otherwise. Regardless, we have executed our best effort to help Mr. Trump relieve himself of what has now become, presumably, an unshakable air of female exploitation. We tiptoed in our softest pussy slippers, but somehow we still hit a nerve.”

Republican Party Platform wins Pulikzer Prize

By Musby Kidden, October 18, 2016

This morning, the Pulikzer Organization awarded the Pulikzer Prize for Humor to the 2016 Republican Party Platform.  This is a first-ever win for a party platform document.  When the award was announced in Kansas City, the hall filled with gasps, murmurs, and a few giggles.  The general expectation is that platform documents are rarely read, but in this case, given the prestige of Pulikzer prizes, we can expect the Republican Platform to get a wider review.

Humor committee chair, Braggadocio Smith, clearly relished sharing a detailed justification for the extraordinary choice: “The Republican Party Platform begins with a salute to American exceptionalism, but the document itself is in fact a wildly successful ode to exceptional, if we might coin a term, wackoism.  It is an audacious tale not seen in public politics for decades, a glaring satire full of astounding flights of fancy, breathtaking contradictions, and side-splitting misnomers. Every four years, we include the party platform documents for review by our Politics Committee.  This year, recognizing the unbridled humor in the Republican platform, the Politics Committee redirected the party document to the Humor Committee.  The Humor Committee’s consensus was that the Republican Platform is one of the great political satiric statements of our time.”

Politics Committee member, Christina Spikerman, added, “This document is so folksy and elementary in writing style, one could get lulled into a mindless monotony and totally miss the brilliant humor. That’s one reason we awarded it the prize.  Its humor stands on its own, but being so unexpected, we thought a prestigious recognition would ensure it the broad exposure it so genuinely deserves.”

“Of course, we cannot lay out the entire assessment here,” Mr. Smith continued, “but I can tell you that three major accomplishments secured the selection:  flights of fancy, startling misnomers, and outrageous contradictions.  Flights of fancy mark a work that rejects convention and reality.  The platform document is like a giant eagle with an itsy bitsy pinhead and wings that stretch as wide as an airliner.  From vilifying science, to praising indiscriminate environmental destruction, from politicizing the judiciary, to unabashedly celebrating 19th Century manifest destiny, with a passing little nod to Native Americans tossed in, the platform lifts its Pterodactyl wings and launches into the stratosphere. Misnomers rage through the pages. Examples include advocating voter suppression efforts as voter fraud prevention, striving to expand discrimination as religious freedom, and vowing to eradicate the federal tax base in order to better support our military men, women, and families.”

“Contradictions are equally clever,” he continued.  “The document sounds a call to protect our law enforcement officers by ensuring all citizens enjoy unfettered access to unlimited firearms of all calibers and automatic capabilities, a call to exert environmental stewardship while broiling the atmosphere in greenhouse gasses, and helping all Americans to independently manage their health care while yanking the insurance safety net for millions.  And that’s just a teaser for all of you.  From adding the Bible to public school classes, to a litany of policy statements aiming to gut civic society in favor of naked, shameless selfishness, the purported Christianity-inspired Constitution-busting polemic just keeps firing off hilarious missives.  Everyone on the committee agrees, while we try to adequately portray the document’s accomplishments, at the end of the day, we are left profoundly speechless.”

Trump Taps Hooters

By Roger Lame, October 14, 2016

New York —- Following a spate of unconfirmed rumors in the restaurant industry, Trump transition team chairman Chris Christie confirmed today that the Trump team has indeed reached a memo of understanding with the food chain, Hooters of America, to manage all cuisine and entertainment facets of a Trump White House.  Hooters restaurants, best known for Hooters girls, operates and franchises restaurants across the country and internationally.

Details of the agreement are still being worked out, but spokesperson Mary Cherri of Hooters outlined the plan:  “This landmark agreement follows a long, tough negotiation over cost and protocols.  The American people can rest assured they are getting the best financial deal possible, much better than could have been achieved through the federal government bidding process.  We will be prepared to provide all first family food services in the White House by January 20.  Within a month, we will ramp up to handle all White House social functions, including state dinners, for the rest of the presidential term.”  

At a joint news conference with Cherri, Christie elaborated:  “This is a good deal for the Trumps and for the country.  We are proud of our New Jersey Hooters franchises, and I know that Hooters will bring the same colorful service and tasty foods to the White House.  Naturally, clauses will be built into the  contract to ensure a superior service level.  In particular, Mr. Trump will have hiring veto authority to ensure only the most qualified Hooters girls work in the mansion.”

Ms. Cherri added:  “Mr. Trump  has indicated a strong interest in leading the interview process himself during the transition. I don’t doubt Mr Trump will provide the same attention to the details of the Hooters hiring process as he will provide to all other transition tasks.  The interview process will include both sociability testing and service testing.  Understanding the demands of summer festivities at the White House, a swimsuit rating assigned by Mr. Trump will contribute to composite hiring scores.  Routine Hooters attire of white knit camisole and orange shorts will be the norm at the White House, but Hooters has agreed to include a small, tasteful American flag right in the top middle of the Hooter girl camisole, just above the letter T.” Ms. Cherri also noted that one wing upstairs off the family quarters would be refitted as a dormitory for the small Hooters contingent required for “room service and incidentals.”

Chanticleer Holdings, owner of Hooters of America, has seen its stock price volatility increase markedly during the Trump campaign.  When Trump’s polling improves, Chanticleer stock price rises; when Trump’s polling numbers go down, Chanticleer stock price follows accordingly.  Consequently, Chanticleer stock price has become a widely used variable in election forecast models.  Following the announcement, several forecasting interests noted they will adjust their models to accommodate any stock ‘wobbling’ attributable purely to the transition team announcement.

At the end of the news conference, neither Mr. Christie nor Ms. Cherri would confirm the rumor that Hooters is slated to have a marching position in the Inaugural Parade.  Mr. Christie did reject another rumor out-of-hand, noting, “Mr Trump’s longtime butler, Tony Senecal will not be joining Hooters and the White House staff.  Tony will remain a key advisor to Mr. Trump on immigration and Christian values.”

Texas Abortion Decision for U.S. History and Biology

By Musby Kidden, October 11, 2016

The Texas Board of Education made lots of news in recent years as conservative factions in Texas sought to change public school textbooks to reflect ‘Republican values’ and either add ‘creationism’ or remove evolution from the science curriculum.  The ongoing battles alarmed educators across the country and forced some textbook publishers to either ignore the Texas education market or publish Texas-only books. Despite years of wrangling, nothing has stilled the controversies.  Today, worn down by continuous conflict with constituents and the Texas legislature, the Board announced two seismic changes.  US history courses will now begin with 15th Century European exploration and end in 1619 before the first African slaves were transported to Virginia; US History courses will then pick up again in 1981 with the inauguration of Ronald Reagan.  The years 1619 to 1980 will be omitted entirely.   In another radical move, the Board voted to drop biology courses from the curriculum altogether..

Roger Noodle, long-time board member, explained the history rationale.  “American history is about America. Americans have always been of one mind, and that’s made us the best in the world.  It’s not really that important that we teach American history if we got teachers that insist on teaching this pluralistic approach to everything.  They teach our kids that we were not always a perfect union.  They get real hung up on slavery way back. This is a Christian nation settled by Christians and we’re tired of arguing.  The rest of American history can be taught by parents and churches. The only exception we’re going to make is the Mexican-American wars because that is really important to our state and it’s important for our kids to  understand the whole wall thing.  Some people don’t get The Wall, and we got to fix that.  Our Texas classes will learn about the English coming to our country up to 1619 and the era of universal opportunity brought in by Reagan in 1981.”

Addressing biology, Mirabelle Boombast said, “Biology is so distorted in these textbooks today and by our teachers, even the well-meaning teachers.  They have just been brainwashed to death.  We tried so hard to have evolution declared a religion, but the courts wouldn’t go along. We all know what’s happening to our courts.  Our only answer is we just have to drop biology.  We can’t risk eternal damnation for flawed biology classes.  Anyway, nothing in biology is proven.  It’s all about making statements and seeing if they’re true and somebody always says they’re not.  I know, I know, I shouldn’t worry that much about evolution because honestly, Genesis is very competitive and more believable.  Scientists have found the Garden of Eden.  But the Big Bang?  I mean come on, that’s what really did it for me.  It sounds downright nasty.  God did a Big Bang?  I just cannot accept that.  I can’t. What kind of role model is that for our children?  We’re just going to stick to the basics like our forefathers and drop biology altogether.  You can have your chemistry and your physics.  We even agreed to keep social sciences except teachers cannot mention anthropology because of all the evolution stuff, the monkey stuff.  We think our children will be stronger for it, and they will certainly be safer for the world to come.”

Famous historian and esteemed educator, Horace Cosmopolitano, was quick to offer his opinion of the Texas School Board decision.  “Texas has spent much of the past forty years denigrating abortion.   This is a partial-birth abortion. Ripping centuries of human progress from students’ lives is tantamount to social lobotomy.  Does anyone think Mexico would possibly consider annexing the Texas School Board back?”

Editor’s note:  We have posed Dr. Cosmopolitano’s question to the Mexican Embassy in Washington but have received no response as of publication.

Carly Fiorina Launches 2020 Vice President Bid

By Nurdie Scrit, October 7, 2016

San Jose —- Unbeknownst to most, Carly Fiorina recently initiated a soft launch run for a 2020 vice president slot.   She is quietly running for what might be called a party agnostic, open seat. Some of her admirers are voicing concerns that she will be cast as self-interested, a candidate open to the highest bidder, so to speak.

I caught up with Carly Fiorina recently at a large, boisterous picnic of former HP executives and board members.  The annual picnic has become a sort of legend in Silicon Valley and earned the unofficial designation,  The HP Slugfest.  It’s known for tasty ribs, good wine, and one more chance for a factious group of former HP leaders to ‘tear each other apart and mince what’s left over in a Cuisinart.’  It seems Ms. Fiorina, Ted Cruz’ designated running mate,  has done a lot of reflection and soul searching of late.  Rather than provide a commentary on our conversation, I will share Ms Fiorina’s most compelling quotes.

“Nurdie, I had no idea how difficult it would be to land a job after running with Teddie. After all, it was only one week, long week that it was!   I’ve learned a lot since the primaries. These large corporations, and not just the tech companies, have all sorts of employees and even board members.  Given my record at Lucent and HP, I thought stepping into a new job would be a piece of cake, but I have yet to find one company where most of the directors are narrow-minded, bigoted, self-righteous, evangelical Christians.  I’ll tell you what else I’ve learned the hard way, a lot of those evangelical Christians are not bigoted and self-righteous at all, and that makes it even tougher for an executive like me, with my political rhetoric, to secure an opening.”

“I’ve deep-dived until I’m blue in the face, and I’m finding a very wary interest in my association with Teddie.  You’d think my business record would compensate for seven days on the campaign trail, but trust me, hard as it is to believe, these senior executives and boards are afraid of me.  It’s like I’m toxic.  My HP accomplishments are underrated, despite the success so obvious to so many of us.  I’m sure you know what I mean.  And the Lucent rumors must be planted by enemies. Imagine referring to Lucent as ‘the Titanic,’ and calling me ‘the iceberg that sank the ship.’  Ridiculous!”

“I could say Democrats are engaging in character assassination, but I’m through with one-party affiliation. Look where it got me!  All my life I’ve been a Republican, but a leader has to seize opportunities for change, and as I’ve always said, I’m a change leader.  Just look at what I did with Teddie.  I changed the whole shebang by accepting Teddie’s VP offer before he won the nomination.  Now I’m going to shake things up again, just like I did with Teddie and like I’ve done in my business career.  I’m going to go after the 2020 VP selection and election now!  I’m not beholden to the Republican Party. I’ve always been a chameleon at heart, and I won’t mind running for another party’s ticket in 2020 if that’s what it takes to change this country.  Like another woman said a while back, ‘I’m in it to win it!’  I know I can do it.  I’ve got three-and-a-half years to set the record straight.”

“Donald Trump?  Ugh, Trump’s a challenge.  He doesn’t give the best image of a business candidate.  I’ve got three years to set the record straight, and the public has three years to forget Trump.  In three years, my business record might be forgotten, too, and I should be positioned to go either way, right into the Naval Observatory or back into a top-notch corporate job.  I see the next three years as pure investment, investment in America, investment in the Carly brand.”

The Trump Dumped! App is Out

By Roger Lame, October 4, 2016

New York —- Not to be outshone by the new Hillary’s Window app, the Trump campaign has released the Trump Dumped! app, or in everyday parlance,  the ‘what Trump really said’ app.   

Fed up with the teleprompter, with surrogates, with earnest, polite ladies interpreting his statements, the campaign rush-coded the new app and made it available today through the campaign website.   The new app will translate all Trump public statements in real-time.  Slicky Mentiras of the campaign noted, “This app solves the ongoing problem of knowing what he really said, what he meant to say, what he really thinks.”  Written by a close-knit team of advisors tired of giving conflicting translations, tired of dealing with endless interrogations, Trump Dumped! aims to bring a consistency to Donald Trump that has eluded the campaign so far.  Every user of the app will answer six demographic questions and ten personal questions in order to initiate Trump Dumped!. Mentiras confirmed, “Yes, we want to let the app get to know the user, then the app will take care of the rest.”    Whenever Trump makes a statement or comment misunderstood by the press, which might happen several times a day, the app will automatically translate the statement or comment for the user. Trump Dumped! will create a notification whenever a new statement is ready for translation. It will keep a history of all translated statements, beginning with the most recent.  

A team of journalists at PolFeed downloaded the app for testing.   They created multiple user profiles by answering the sixteen required questions with a variety of responses.  They were able to get five translations for one of this morning’s ‘misunderstood’ statements:

Trump:  ‘People, people, we all know what we gotta do, we all know how weak this country is, we all know the only thing that’s gonna work is stop-and-frisk.  You gotta stop and frisk these people before they go on a rampage.  Don’t you agree? Get ‘em before the get us?  Isn’t that common sense?  Isn’t that what we gotta do?’

The five Trump Dumped! translations are:

Oh, I love women!  I’m going to be the very best president for women!

Oh, I love Hispanics!  I have several Hispanic guys in my businesses, and I love tacos!

Oh, I love the Blacks!  I love their churches, I love singing with them in church, I love fried chicken and watermelons.

The black communities are begging for stop-and-frisk! They are begging me to rescue them.  It’s never been this bad, never been this bad ever.  I can save them.  I’m gonna save them!

We’re not taking this any more.  We’ve been abused too long. They failed us  All these politicians are failing to protect us. It’s never been this bad.   You can’t walk down the street anywhere. I’m not going to take it anymore.  I’m going to fix this plain and simple.  I’m going to arm our policemen with everything we got and go at ‘em until they’re all gone.  We’re gonna be great again.


When asked how users could trust Trump Dumped! when it gives such different translations for the same statement, Mentiras was adamant that this flexibility is just plain smart. “Mr. Trump appeals to different types of Americans.  We recognize that what you think Mr Trump is need not be the same as what your neighbor thinks Mr. Trump is.  And that is perfectly fine.  Having the correct translation according to who you are is critical for the app’s effectiveness and critical for all Americans so that they can fully appreciate Mr. Trump’s brilliance.”

The app has three versions, although it is not yet clear if they differ in functionality. Trump Dumped!  Magnate is a one-time $9,999 download fee aimed at wealthy supporters but especially at real estate developers flush with tax-free cash. Trump Dumped! Surrogate is a one-time $999 download fee. Trump Dumped! Great-Again  is a one-time $4.99 contribution to the Trump University Defense Fund.

Hillary Clinton’s New Health App

By Musby Kidden, September 30, 2016

Washington —- Hillary Clinton’s campaign tweeted today the availability of a new app, in iTunes and the Google Play Store, that will keep everyone current on Secretary Clinton’s health. Dubbed ‘Hillary’s Window’, the app is designed to provide all users with real-time vital signs, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The basic app will provide users with Secretary Clinton’s heart rate on a continuous basis.  Users can configure the app to provide alerts and notifications according to a myriad of conditions including minimum pulse levels, maximum pulse levels, and heart rate changes greater than a specified percentage within a set period.  The basic app will be free for Android users and cost $2.99 in the iTunes store.  According to an undisclosed campaign source, everyone knows Apple customers will pay fees on iTunes for fewer features than they could have gotten free on Android, so a nominal fee was placed on the iTunes version only.

Customers can also purchase ‘Hillary’s Window Professional’ for $6.99 in the Google Play Store and $9.99 in iTunes.  This version provides additional monitoring data, including blood pressure and respiration, and also includes a sophisticated user interface to allow unparalleled public access to Clinton’s previously private medical history.  A spokesperson for the campaign, Weesa Secreto, said, “Hillary has always been a lot more open than the public gives her credit.  This is not so much a change in access as a confirmation that Secretary Clinton fully understands better than anyone that the President has no privacy, and she is simply getting ahead of the game here, getting one more action item done before heading into the crush of election and post-election.”

Critics were quick to proclaim Hillary’s Window merely a belated reaction to Mr. Trump’s decision to release his physical data on the illustrious Dr. Oz show, demonstrating his deep commitment to a full disclosure of his health.  Kracie Ann Cooker noted, “Donald Trump is just so generous to share his glorious physical results.  He is just so healthy and trim and so kind to give us so much information on a show like Dr. Oz that is so popular and so highly regarded in, you know, the medical community.  I don’t think he needed to do it because you can just look at him and see how fit and healthy he is, but it was so grand of him to do it anyway despite all of that and everything.”

One unconfirmed report emerged late yesterday suggesting that Senator Tim Kaine has been a key tester of the beta app. According to this report, the Senator has a special Veep version just for him, paired with a shock armband that provides notifications with a very subtle electric jolt.  One unique Veep function is rumored to be a series of three rapid, sharp shocks in the event any untoward change  is registered in pulse or blood pressure.  Apparently, while the Secretary is quite fine, several ‘emergency’ tests were conducted over the past few weeks, including one last Tuesday night when Senator Kaine was observed yelping during a private dinner at a quiet restaurant in Alexandria.

Soon after the announcement, Mr. Trump tweeted that his health was so perfect, no need for an app.  Later on the campaign trail, he said if he ever did get sick, even though he never has gotten sick, not even the sniffles, he would still be the only one qualified to solve the nation’s problems, so he would just continue to do that by himself.

Amazon Reorganizes into Tribes

By Nurdie Scrit, September 27, 2016

Seattle —- Amazon, the low-profit, mega-revenue retail/cloud services behemoth, announced a new corporate structure this morning.  Speaking at an investor conference, founder and CEO Atilla Honey said the inspiration for the new structure came from a personal vacation in the Amazon rainforest last year.  Dropping into remote areas and traveling by passenger drone, Honey experienced first hand the beauty of the forest and the challenges for the indigenous peoples.   He said he was so excited returning from the trip, he spent weeks reading ethnographies of various Amazonian basin tribes, even plotting preliminary models for retail expansion into the namesake region.  “Amazon has always been on the frontier, just like rainforest tribes.  Reorganizing our business into four tribes will enable us to maintain and extend our leadership in retail and corporate services.  We owe this grand idea to the rainforest peoples.”

The four corporate Amazon tribes are:

For corporate services, Yanomami, nicknamed ‘the fierce people’

For retail services, Droombeeti, discovered just last year, aggressive cassava traders

For customer service, Tapirapé, friendly, cooperative, and mostly peaceful (at least recently)

For R&D, Awá, endangered, facing intense competition from expanding extraction businesses

World renowned corporate structure and governance guru Idesigna Eberting was effusive in her praise for the move: “It’s so bold.  There is one word for it, and that word is ‘bold’. Honey  surprises us again.  This is bigger than the drone announcement.  I feel great about it, too.  I won’t take credit, but you know I’ve been one of Mr. Honey’s long-time consultants.  If you recall, I had a pivotal role in the Fire phone design!”

Jeremiah Omagodda of The Walled Creek Journal was less sanguine in his reaction.  “What next, Apple ‘orchards’ and Alphabet Google ‘doodles’?” he mused.

Rotten CEOs gives the move a 37% rating, but Atilla Honey has scored low on that scale before and gone on to surprise his critics.  When he announced several years ago that he was venturing into the Cloud (Rotten CEOs 22%), many of his finance critics thought he was already in the clouds, and yet that business line has proved in nicely.

Wells Fargo Touts New Pony Express

By Ima Mason, September 24, 2016

San Francisco —- Following another day of withering attacks on Capitol Hill, beleaguered Wells Fargo CEO Iben Stumped vowed today that Wells Fargo will soon introduce a brand new Pony Express for its “treasured customers.”   Mr. Stumped also revealed that he will personally invest several million of his own “hard-earned” dollars in the resurrection, and that recently fired employees will be eligible to apply for three new technical positions:  Pony Routing Engineer, Pony Stall Maintenance Engineer, and Pony Pilot.   “We are so excited to bring our customers the thrills of live, personalized service again,” Mr. Stumped remarked.  “For too long, we’ve been careening into impersonal relationships through ATMs and mobile solutions.  Now we have an opportunity to thrill our customers with good, old fashioned service once again.  We just can’t wait to get started.”

A few more details were learned from Wells Fargo spokeswoman Fisha Storey.  “Pony Express accounts will be opened for free, allowing us to get even closer to our valued customers right away,” she noted.  “Again, this is a one-time universal account activation and absolutely no customer action is necessary.”  She went on to outline the plan:  “The first pony stations will be built in select urban neighborhoods, with certain suburban neighborhoods to follow.  Unlike the original Pony Express that operated mail service from Missouri to California, the new service will be a metro service.”  She noted that ponies and riders are more reliable than drones (“no blowing up the wrong people,” she quipped) and also bring customers a romantic touch of history.  Rather than having to visit ATMs or safe deposit boxes in banks, the new service will offer customers at-home and at-office services for withdrawals and deposits.

Initial reaction to Mr. Stumped’s announcement was mixed, garnering a 50% rating on Rotten CEOs.

Commenting for the American MegaBank Association, Rex Midas noted, “This is truly a revolutionary bucking of both the digital age and the drone age.  What a wonderful idea, bringing Pony Express romance into the everyday lives of their customers.  We’re all in!”

The Oppressed Consumers of America was unconvinced.  The organization issued a terse statement:  “This is just a red herring to pull attention away from the recent scandal, hoping a gullible public will buy into a crazy pipedream.  This is like nominating a narcissistic, demagogue for president.  Could it possibly work?”

Save Our Fuzzies immediately issued a press release asserting that ponies were going to suffer. The animal protection group vowed to seek injunctions wherever Wells Fargo plans to initiate service.

Of special note, Senator Winifred Warring of Massachusetts, who has led the Senate inquiries into the Wells Fargo fake account scandal, when asked to comment, said, “For the first time in my public life, I’m just speechless, absolutely speechless.”

Governors Announce Fan Farms

By Roger Lame, September 22, 2016

Savannah, GA —- A startling development today out of the Southeast Governors Conference:  Seven Republican governors of southeast coastal states unveiled a plan of unprecedented scale  to build giant fan farms along their shores from Texas to North Carolina.  Only Louisiana governor Eddy Johns refused to endorse the proposal.  Construction would begin as early as next year with completion targeted for 2025 to 2035, depending on state budgets, federal assistance and foreign subsidies.  This is a marked reversal from existing proposals to build coastal wind farms for fossil-fuels-alternative energy.  According to the Fan American Power Again (FAPA) press release, the proposal is ‘an unassailable plan to increase jobs, thoroughly exploit fossil fuels, and secure the coast from any possible threats associated with rising sea levels.’   The release states that ‘monumental sea fans would effectively and efficiently move rising ocean waters out to sea before they could  inundate coastal and estuarine communities.’  

The surprise announcement set off a storm of questions in scientific and social media circles.  What would the fans look like?  How would they affect tourism? Would local fisheries suffer any harm? Would the fans work in storms?  Can FAPA really secure adequate funding?  The governors held no news conference, but several did answer questions on their way to a riverside luncheon sponsored by the American Drill and Burn Institute.  Governor Bull Wabbit  of Texas noted that scientists might raise concerns, “but the American people know this is common sense.  You don’t need scientists or engineers to approve this.  Wind moves water, and fans make wind.  End of story.”  Governor Frilly Riot of Mississippi noted he had already been called by ‘a greenie’ in Jackson.  “The bottom line is, if there is any connection at all between fossil fuel consumption and warming temperatures, and we all know that is a very big if, this plan completely resolves the concern.  We can get right back to drilling, mining, transporting, and burning coal, oil and gas with complete confidence that any bad effects will be blown square away by our fan farms, and that includes all air pollution.  This plan is bullet-proof.  As for state funding, we’ll use the monies that could have been wasted on federal matching for Medicare expansion.”
The most lively exchange occurred when Roger Lame of the Crystal Sands Gazette asked Governor Randy Xman of Alabama what was meant by foreign subsidies to bankroll the fan farms.  “Oh, yes,” he said, “We all know where the rising sea levels are coming from.  Denmark bears the most responsibility here.  They’ve done absolutely nothing to block ice and ice melt from flowing into the sea off their Greenland ice sheet.  This is unconscionable, and we plan to levy most of the foreign subsidy right there at the Danish door step.  But Canada, Russia, and the other Scandinavian countries also have a responsibility here.  They’ve stood by and watched the polar ice cap shrink year after year, taking no action to pump that excess water out of the ocean.  There’s a lot of money to be recovered here and spent on fan farms.”  Pressed further by Mr. Lame asking how the rest of the world would react to waters blown out from our shores toward theirs, the Governor was unconcerned.  “Well, that’s their problem.  Obviously, the rest of these countries along the oceans will have to come up with their own plans.  They can build fans like us, they can build beach walls, what have you.  That’s not our concern.  It’s the same for Louisiana and every other American state.  They can join our plan if they want, or they can develop their own plans.  All I know is we’re not accepting this problem created by arctic countries.  Some people said we should levy subsidies against Antarctica, too, but that’s just too far away to worry about, and waters spin around down there and don’t cross the equator anyway.”